"I baked you some cookies. Let's get married now."

It's weird that it's almost been a whole month since I last posted. It doesn't feel that long. I've been meaning to post about my tennis boyfriend, Andy Roddick, and the US Open but just haven't gotten around to it yet. Right now though, there's something else on my mind that I've decided to write about instead.

Growing up, I never wanted to go to school at BYU. I don't know where I wanted to go to college but it wasn't BYU. I mean, I guess deep down inside of me I thought I might end up there because both of my parents went to BYU, but it just wasn't something I ever really thought about. Somehow, I ended up choosing to go there as well. This is my 3rd year at BYU and I'll be honest, going to school here can be pretty annoying sometimes, but not really because of the school or the education I am attempting to gain. It's more because of the social "norms" that we are supposed to believe are actually normal. I've never been able to get into all of that stuff and it's only gotten worse as time has passed. Does that mean there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me because I don't want to take cookies to some boys apartment who I know really don't care about the people bringing them the cookies but just care that they brought a plate of cookies with them? There shouldn't be anything wrong with that. But that's not what I've been practically brainwashed into thinking. I'm sorry but that's not how I want to meet my future husband. It would give him a false impression of me anyway because I don't cook. Is taking cookies to a boy, and other ways similar to that, the only way I am going to be able to meet a decent guy? If so, then there is NO hope for me.

I'm not going to deny the fact that a lot of what has contributed to my anti-socialness is my lack of self-confidence. It has gone down the drain in recent years and at this point, I just know that going out isn't going to make me feel better. So instead, I choose to stay at home. I'd rather sit my house/apartment and read or watch tv then go out and know that I'm going to come home feeling worse than I did before I left. I can't help it that I think like that. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm trying to say. Right now, I'm just typing. I've just gotten really frustrated with some of the people at BYU and the way that going here has made me feel about myself. I'm not blaming my lack of self-confidence on BYU. It's my fault that I feel the way that I do, I know that, but going here has not helped. At one point, I actually thought that I might be able to find someone here at BYU that I would want to spend my life with. But now, that just isn't looking like it's going to happen. Not to mention that any faith I had left in men and marriage, which was very small anyway, is now gone after seeing "The Last Kiss" last night. Thank you Zach Braff and co. I really just wish that I could somehow see into the future and know that everything was going to work out. That I could somehow know that the fact that I don't take cookies to guys or go and visit them on a daily basis won't actually make that much of a difference in my life. Obviously that can't happen. So I'm going to continue to live my life as a BYU student and hope for the best. That's pretty much all I can do.